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Offering support to a co-worker who you know or suspect is being abused is never easy. We are taught to respect people's privacy and to assume they will ask for assistance.
In the case of domestic abuse, however, it's imperative to break down the barriers. People who have lived in abusive relationships often say later, "I really appreciated when my friend (co-worker, parent, sibling) told me they were concerned about me. It made it easier for me to get help when I was ready."
Here are some tips for concerned co-workers and supervisors:
- Do have your conversation in a private place where you will not be interrupted.
- Do tell her/him what you see. It's helpful to have specific examples to refer to, such as "I noticed how upset that phone call made you. Is someone hurting you? Can I do anything to help?"
- Do show support. "I'm really worried about you. No one deserves to be treated that way. It's not your fault that this is happening to you."
- Do refer your friend to a help source. "Did you know there are Family Crisis brochures in the restroom? They have a 24-hour hotline that you can call if you have questions."
- Do keep it confidential. This is an essential part of developing a trustworthy, helping relationship.
- Do be patient. Coping with abuse takes time, and it's likely that she will not respond according to your timetable. If you think it's your responsibility to fix the problem, you may end up feeling frustrated.
Avoid These Errors
- Do not tell her she should just leave, or ask her why she stays in the relationship. Abuse is complicated, and people stay for many reasons including fear, children, loss of income, potential poverty, and love.
- Do not insist she take resources home. This can be potentially dangerous should the abuser find literature that suggests she is seeking to make a change.
- Do not insist that a civil protection from abuse order is the best thing to do. Sometimes protection orders are extremely helpful, other times they are not. Victims of domestic abuse can get help sorting through this with a Family Crisis Services advocate.
- Do not make your assistance conditional on whether or not she/he leaves the relationship.
- Do not use blaming language such as "I would never let that happen to me," or "He does it because you let him get away with it."
- Do not excuse the abuser's behavior by suggesting he/she is under stress, had a bad childhood, or is abusing substances.
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